A Story About Adoption

I always wanted children. When I was eight years old, I wanted a dozen. Of course, at that tender young age, you simply have no idea what it takes to raise a child because you are still a child yourself.

As I grew up, my desire for children never wavered. Unfortunately, my ability to have them never materialized. Oh, getting pregnant was not the issue. But I couldn't sustain that tiny, tiny life. Surrogacy was not for me because the surrogate mother could always decide to keep the baby and I would have no recourse. That scared me.

After nine miscarriages and many, many thousands of dollars later, I still did not have my dream of a child fulfilled. I decided adoption was the route I would take. I also decided that since there were tens of thousands of children in this country who needed a family, I would adopt from the United States. The journey began.

You're thinking about adoption,

but you haven't got a clue --

You don't know where to start,

and you don't know what to do.

You're thinking about adoption,

But to whom should you turn?

And just how do you find out

Everything you'll need to learn?

You're thinking about adoption,

You wonder how much it'll cost?

You don't know all your options,

It's confusing and you're lost . . .

You're thinking about adoption

To complete your family --

It all just seems so daunting,

Can it be explained clearly?

I looked into many of the adoption agencies. They all wanted a lot of money. One religious one wanted a reference from a pastor of a church I was to attend for six months minimum because my reference from a Bishop wasn't good enough. They also wanted just over $17,000. (Interestingly enough, a married couple I know went to them and was charged $10,000 and didn't need a letter of referral from a pastor.)

Another agency wanted $4,000 upfront, then they'd do my homestudy and then put my "Letter to the Birthmother" in their file and once I was chosen, then I could pay the remaining costs.

One attorney wanted a "Consultation Fee" to put me on her list of potential birth parents and once a match was made, she charged $5,000 to complete the adoption. Of course that did not include any expenses to do with the birthmother's needs. I did pay the fee and get on the list and was called several years later, but the birth mother wanted complete housing costs during the pregnancy and six months after the pregnancy, all medical expenses, all clothing expenses, and all food expenses . . . a complete free ride for basically one year and no guarantee that she would sign relinquishment papers after the birth. (I decided against that situation because I felt it was taking advantage of me.)

One huge lesson I learned from my experience by this point was to find out from the agency exactly how many birth mothers the agency working with and how many waiting birth parents did the agency have. You don't want to be one of 200 potential adoptive parents and there be only three birth mothers.

I also learned that private agencies prefer younger couples to an older single woman whereas the County doesn't care about your marital status or age as long as you are at least twenty-one.

I decided to go through the County I live in to adopt. At the time, I got the licensing worker from Hades. She showed up a day early, got many of her "facts" screwed up, told me I had to jump through quite a number of hoops, told me I was approved and that my license would come in the mail only to find out she did not approve me for bogus reasons. While all of that was going on, I had to take 36 hours of classes, get a medical checkup, have six referrals come back glowingly, pass a background check covering 10 years, get fingerprinted and pass a federal background check, and have my home inspected. I also had to write an autobiography. (You'll want to portray your "Leave It to Beaver" childhood in this autobiography.)

Keep copies of every piece of paperwork you fill out because you will fill that same form out at least six times and what you put on them all have to be the same. Some of that paperwork will be for you to let the LSWs know what type of child or children you feel would fit into your family. More on this aspect in a bit.

The paperwork will go through a whole list of your preferences as to what issues a potential adoptee could have and still be a child you would consider bringing into your home. This is very important for you to understand: there are several levels to each condition. Whatever the County calls the level, it is actually one step worse. This bears repeating.

Whatever level the county claims a child to be, the child is actually one level worse. In other words, the County says 'Mild" but you have to realize it is your "Moderate". If the LSW says it is "Moderate" then you need to know it is probably your severe, and if the LSW states it is profound, well the issue is off the scale. Be extremely careful in assessing what you think you can handle in your life. Adoption is supposed to be permanent. It is not a piece of clothing or a sport you try for a time and drop out. To have an adoption disrupt because you weren't honest with yourself is just too cruel to the child.

Back to my story -- I found out I had not been approved, contrary to what the licensing worker actually told me, so I raised the roof. That lead to the psychologist calling me, talking with me for an hour, and then telling me if I would get a psychiatric examination and the psychiatrist said I was competent, I would be approved to adopt. So off I went to the shrink. Now, the psychologist name three different people I could go see, but she repeated one particular doctor's name so many times I knew that was the one I had to go to . . . even though he was twice as expensive as the other two.

Well, you have to play their game and you have to play it better than they do. First the psychiatrist left me waiting 25 minutes into my 1 hour appointment costing me $500. I remained calm and did not get aggravated at being left waiting. I knew it was a test to see how patient I could be. Score 1 for me.

He sent his Australian Shepherd out to greet me. I knew enough to make good friends with that dog. Score 2 for me. Dogs, especially Australian Shepherds, are known for being able to discern good people.

Finally, I got to go in and chat. I kept calm, answered his questions, thanked his receptionist and wished her a great day, and patted the dog goodbye. The verdict from the psychiatrist, "You are the most normal person I've ever met and if they don't give you a child, nobody should ever get one!"

Yeah! I passed and got that coveted certificate required by the Department of Family Services.

With all the children within the United States of America who need a family, you would think my story quickly had a happy ending. Not to be. I sat in the "Adoption Program" of my County for three years trying to be chosen to parent child after child after child. Every year I had to update my parenting classes, my CPR, my first aid, and be reinspected.

Then I got told I was too picky. Too picky? That seemed incredulous to me. After all, my criteria was: girl or boy or both, ages 0-9, just no HIV or arsonists. Too picky. I went to a foster/adoptive parent support group a few times and finally mentioned my frustration of what I had been going through.

I then learned from that foster parent support group that the only way I would get to adopt through the County was if I became a foster parent instead of an adoptive parent. They told me to request the Legal Risk Fast Tract Program. This meant I would foster care a child who was not yet legally free for adoption, but who was expected to become free for adoption. It might be called something else where you live.

Well, I joined the Legal Risk program. Within one month I was offered 17 children, including a sibling group of five. I know my limitations and even though I would love to have many children, I want to do right by them. Child care costs alot of money as does feeding, clothing and supplying everything else for them.

I chose one sweet baby who was six weeks old. I took care of that infant and she was with me until she was 2 years and one month old at which time she was reunited with the birth parent. It broke my heart, but once I could become at peace with it I realized I saved her until she could save her parent. Even though by law I should be able to get visitation, the birth parent requested the judge not allow it because it would be too intrusive on the family. I don't have visitation. Anybody who says you can't love an adopted child the same as a natural birth child has no clue. This little one wasn't even adopted yet, but I was ripped apart by it all. Six years later and I still think about her and pray she is well.

With this Legal Risk Adoption program REUNIFICATION is always the goal no matter what the caseworker indicates. I didn't really understand that at first especially with a LSW (licensed social worker) telling me to bond with that child because I will be adopting her.

I think it was God's lesson for me to decide if I really could be a single parent. Nine and one half months later I was called by the foster care caseworker (a different LSW than the licensing LSW) to see if I wanted a young baby. Of course I said yes. I went to meet the child on a Friday and on Monday she came home. They always give the relinquishing foster parent some final time with the child to say their goodbyes.

With the Department of Family Services aka "the County", you will usually meet the child you are going to foster parent to make sure there is some sort of connection. Otherwise, it will be impossible to parent that child. If the caseworker doesn't offer that, then you should insist on a meeting. You don't want to take in a child that you can't find a bond with and have a bad situation become worse and then the potential adoption disrupt. Better to let somebody else take that child into their heart to parent.

This little baby was considered Special Needs by Federal law. She came home to me 3 days before her 5 month birthday. I watched her first tooth come through the day she came home. She was ever so tiny at just 11 pounds. I was her 4th placement in the short 4 months of her life. I was also her final placement.

Even though the birth parent never came forward to do a parenting program or have visitation, i.e., the child was abandoned, it still took 2 years for the adoption to be final. One good indication of the child becoming free for adoption is abandonment. If there is no contact within six months, it is abandonment.

Remember though, the goal of government is reunification of the child or children with the birth parent(s). They give the birth parent(s) every possible chance there could be to reunify with that child (or children). Again, abandonment is when the birth parent has no contact for six months--5 months and 29 days doesn't count if there is contact on that last day. That was no contact whatsoever in my case, but yet the County still gave that birth parent 18 months. It is totally exasperating. But wait! There's more!

The Federal Government put it into law that a permanency plan must be in place for each child in the system within 18 months of that child coming into the system. This does not mean the permanency plan has to be completed -- it just has to be determined. Once it is decided that the permanency plan is to terminate the birth parents' rights and free that child for adoption, you get to start over with all of the paperwork and background checks! At least that's how it was when I was in the system. (Hopefully things have changed for the better by now!)

Now you know why you must make photo copies of everything you submit. And I mean everything! That child you've been foster parent to is finally free for you to adopt and now you have to apply to adopt that child. You also have to be approved to adopt that child. Seems absolutely ludicrous, doesn't it!

This means filling out all that paperwork all over again, going through a background check again, and being fingerprinted again. Everything has to match what you've already submitted or there will be all sorts of red tape. My adoption of my little girl was delayed 8 months because the Federal Government couldn't read my fingerprints -- even though I had been fingerprinted many, many times being a foster parent and also in the gaming industry.

I was finally approved to adopt the child I had given foster care to for so long. She is now 5 1/2 years young. We celebrate her birthday, Gotcha Day, and Adoption Day. She knows she is adopted, but often tells me, "Before I found you, Mommy, I was looking for a Mommy and a Daddy and a sister but no brothers 'cuz they're icky. But I'm sure glad I found you because you are the Queen of Mothers and the best!" That makes my seven year trek to adopt all worth it.

This, of course, was a very simplified version of my journey. But if you remember -- there were some seriously valuable lessons to keep in mind:

1. When doing your autobiography, you grew up in a "Leave it to Beaver" type household that did not believe in spanking.

2. If using a private agency, find out how many birth mothers they are currently working with and how many prospective adoptive parents there are.

3. Copy everything you submit and I mean EVERYTHING.

4. Keep in mind when it comes to a child's issues, the agency's "mild" is your moderate; their "moderate" is your severe, their "severe" is your profound, and their "profound" is beyond your worst nightmare.

Some of the things you'll want to understand include the following:

ABUSE-- includes battery, emotional abuse, sexual abuse, and neglect. Symptoms may include poor self-image, inability to trust, aggressive behavior, passive or withdrawn behavior, school failure, drug and alcohol abuse, low self-esteem, abnormal sexual perspectives, and suicidal tendencies. This trauma can cause lifelong severe emotional damage without treatment.

ADJUSTMENT DISORDER--development of emotional or behavioral symptoms in response to an identifiable stressor which does not meet the criterior for another specific disorder. Once the stessor is terminated the symptoms do not persist for more than 6 more months.

ATTACHMENT DISORDER--children who show conflicting behavior between approach and avoidance, usually avoiding closeness with the caregiver but offering inappropriate connectedness with a stranger.

ATTENTION DEFICIT DISORDER (ADD)--neurobiologically based disability characterized by inappropriate impulsivity, sometimes with hyperactivity. Symptoms may include fidgeting, difficulty awaiting turn in activity, can't remain seated, interrupts, can't follow instructions, shifts activities constantly, talks too much, dominates activities.

BEHAVIOR PROBLEMS--a result of trauma, abuse or mental health disorders or mental retardation; sometimes associated with Sterotypic Movement Disorder.

CEREBRAL PALSY--chronic conditions affecting body movements and muscle coordination caused by damage to the brain. It is not progressive nor curable, but falls into 3 categories: spastics--stiff and difficult movement; athetoid--involuntary and uncontrolled movement; ataxic--disturbed sense of balance and depth perception. People with CP can be fully independent.

CLEFT--a congenital defect caused by genetics and environmental factors which affects the lip or palate or both, and which can occur on one or both sides. Lip: a separation of the two sides of the lip, often including the upper jaw and/or upper gum. Palate: an opening in the roof of the mouth caused by the two sides of the palette not fusing as a fetus develops.

CYSTIC FIBROSIS--people with it suffer chronic lung problems and digestive disorders and have a limited life expectancy of up to 30 years.

DEVELOPMENTAL DISABILITY--a chronic, severe mental or physical impairment of a person five years old or older resulting in functional limitations in a major life area such as: self-care and direction, receptive and expressive language, learning, mobility, ability for independent living and/or economic self-sufficiency. It can include autism, cerebral palsy, mental retardation, spinal cord injury and severe head injury, but the condition must have begun prior to age 22 and affected the person's development.

DEPRESSION-- illness causing lowered ability to cope and enjoy life. While the person may not seem sad, symptoms can include troublesome behavior, inability to enjoy previous favorite activities, increased irritability, frequent complaints of minor illnesses, poor school performance, low energy, poor concentration, major eating or sleeping patterns, alcohol/drug abuse, and suicidal thoughts/actions.

DRUG EXPOSED--babies whose mothers used drugs, usually cocaine, while pregnant, causing the babies to be born prematurely, causing neurological and respiratory problems, cerebral palsy, mental retardation, visual and hearing impairments, and poor apgar scores. These babies go through withdrawal, are very difficult to comfort, are withdrawn and unresponsive, and have difficulties bonding, causing severe problems with emotional developments.

FETAL ALCOHOL SYNDROME (FAS)--acquired in utero, it is a lifelong condition causing multiple handicaps and is the leading specific cause of mental retardation in the United States. The children are small sized and weight at birth with small head sizes, small eyes, flat midface, and thin upper lips with flat upper lip ridges. They have delays in development, intellectual impairment or neurologic impairment. These children will not be able to live totally independently as an adult.

FAILURE TO THRIVE (FTT)--a child whose weight and height are less than the 3rd percentile or whose weight or height have decreased more than two major percentiles in the growth charts. Half of the cases are non-organic and the rest are due to organic processes. It can be caused by maternal malnutrition, high blood pressure, cigarette smoking, alcohol use, drug use, seizure medication, or infections/viruses. After birth it can be from malnutrition, emotional deprivation, gastrointestinal problems, or problems with the heart, kidneys, lungs or thyroid.

FRAGILE X SYNROME (Martin Bell Syndrome)--a genetic disorder causing the most common form of mental retardation, wherein the female carrier transfers it to the son, causing a moderate to severe retardation. The affected persons exhibit autistic-type behaviors, behavioral problems and speech/language delay.

HEARING LOSS--approximately 10% of the population has hearing loss, some of which may be correctable by surgery or improved by hearing aids. Symptoms include: using what/huh? frequently, intently watching speakers' faces, sitting close to TV with high volume, not being startled by loud sounds, infants not turning head toward sounds, speech not developing normally.

INTERNATIONAL ADOPTION-- the child being adoped is a citizen and still residing in a foreign country (until the adoption).

INTERSTATE ADOPTION--when the birth mother and adoptive parent reside in different states.

INTRASTATE ADOPTION--when the birth mother and adoptive parent reside in the same state.

LEARNING DISABILITY--affects the ability to interpret what is seen or heard or not to be able to link information from different parts of the brain. It can be in the developmental speech and language area, academic skills disorders, or other non-specific disabilities such as language delays, academic and motor skills which affect ability to learn, coordination disorders, spelling and memory disorders.

MENTAL RETARDATION--can be caused by any condition, either genetic or environmental, impairing the development of the brain before or during birth or in the childhood years where the IQ is below 70-75 and it is present from childhood.

MICROCEPHALUS--an abnormally small head circumference which may be symptomatic of brain damage. There is an online support group, email it at marce@infospinner.com.

MOTOR SKILLS DISORDER (Dyspraxia)--a learning disability involving the body's system of motion that interferes with a person's ability to make a controlled physical response.

NEUROLOGICAL IMPAIRMENT--involves the nervous system.

OPPOSITIONAL DEFIANT DISORDER--a pattern of negative, hostile and defiant behavior lasting at least 6 months where 4 or more symptoms are present, including: often loses temper, argues with adults, actively defies rules or requests, deliberately annoys people, blames others for misbehavior, touchy disposition, often angry or resentful, or is spiteful or vindictive.

PERVASIVE DEVELOPMENTAL DISORDER (PDD)--is not a diagnosis but a description where some, but not all, features of autism are identified, i.e., there are deficits in peer reltions, unusual sensitivities, social skills are somewhat impaired, but not as much as classical autism.

POST-TRAUMATIC STRESS DISORDER (PTSD)--a debilitating condition caused by a terrifying event causing persistent frightening thoughts and memories and emotional numbness. Worse symptoms occur if the event was caused by a person rather than an incident (fire, flood, etc.) and symptoms usually surface months or years later.

PREMATURE BIRTH--birth 3 weeks or more prior to due date causing the babies to have a significantly higher risk of health problems throughout life.

PURCHASE OF SERVICE--fees paid by the adoptive child's agency to the family's agency in some adoptions to cover some of the costs of the adoption such as the homestudy, post-placement service, travel costs for visits, and legal expenses.

SEIZURE DISORDER--believed to be caused by some form of brain lesion.

SPEECH/LANGUAGE DISORDERS--sometimes an early indicator of a learning disability wherein the affected person has difficulty producing speech sounds, using spoken language to communicate, or understanding what other people say. It can be of any category: developmental articulation disorder, developmental expressive language disorder, developmental receptive language disorder, developmental, neurogenic, or psychogenic stuttering.

SPINA BIFIDA--a cleft spine, which is an incomplete closure in the spinal column, of which there are 3 types: occulta--an opening in one or more of the vertebrae of the spinal column without damage to the spinal cord; meningocele--the protective covering around the spinal cord has pushed out through the opening in the vertebrae in a sac, but the spinal cord remains intact; and, myelomeningocele--a portion of the spinal cord protrudes through the back.

VISUAL IMPAIRMENT--corrective lenses cannot provide 20/40 sight in one eye or the visual field is less than 20 degrees. Blindness is where the best correction cannot provide for sight in one eye better than 20/200. Leading causes include macular degeneration, diabetic retinopathy and Retinitis Pigmentosa.

Don't let all of this thwart your decision to adopt. Special needs can also be as simple as a child of color. Look into your heart and you'll know what is right for you.

My child is so precious to me no matter how exhausting and frustrating it can get. Nothing beats a "Mommy, I love you a hundred hundred more than that hearts." And I always tell her, "I love you more."

If you want to read some more hubs I've written, please feel free to visit The Spirits Among Us, the Healing Rocks